Friday, January 20, 2012

It's not me, it's you, really.

In theory I had control, but in reality I don't,  Mr Maus's not been into it lately, his chastity equals my chastity and if he's not into it then I too go unattended.  The last dice-designated day came and went with nothing.  Sad face. 

The stars of his body, mind and motivation must all be aligned and they are not and for good reasons.  December we had sex once. January we had sex once (January isn't over but it is due to schedules and obligations). I honestly have a different expectation than a once a month hostile take over of his cock. Consequently my feelings are pretty bent out f shape. I empathize with all of the reasons the stars are not aligned so I don't push. Although he said he wanted me to be in control so I tried exerting myself  and managed to trigger some old deep shit that caused an emotional retreat. At the time I was mad at him and then mad at myself for being mad at him, and it's gone downhill from there. I asked him then if he wanted to stop wearing the chastity device, he said no and the reason he gave had absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship. That stung a little. I foolishly started poking around about other related topics and got negative or neutral responses. That's my own damn fault I suppose. Having thought about it for a bit I concluded that the symbol of my key has become meaningless to our relationship, his chastity no longer has anything to do with our sexual interactions. It's taken me a week to mull this over but I decided to give the key back stating that since I'm not permitted to have  any participation in the decision process associated with our chastity, my having a key is pointless. And with most other aspects of his life out of his control, if I have the power to give him back one piece of it I will. I'm probably misunderstanding something here but  I'm hoping by doing so I'm lending to his putting his life back together.  I have always wanted to be a soft place to land, not a pain in the ass. My having the key and having expectation of control in the bedroom - which are being resisted makes me a pain in the ass. Giving the key back gives me the distance I need from intimacy and sexuality to back off and give him the space he clearly needs. I really really don't want to do this but I will do so in an effort to be supportive.

I feel horrid. I honestly can't stop crying. Giving the key back feels like an admission that I'm not good enough, that I don't have the right gearing for this coupling. It feels like I am relinquishing the option to have sex with him ever again. It feels like we're going back to being just friends. It feels like if there ever was one there is no future together. It feels like he has slowly broken up with me and I just got the message and acknowledged it. Or worse that I just broke up with him.  I have not.  Giving the key back gives me the distance I need from him and sexuality to back off and give him the space he clearly needs. I really really don't want to do this but I will in an effort to be supportive.

My reaction my own actions is to run off and hide in a hole. I keep reminding myself to be patient, be supportive and stay in it but today that just seems stupid. Delusional. Whether that's reasonable or not doesn't even matter, it's how I feel.


  1. Sorry to read this, I hope you can sort things out soon...

  2. As I said, he's experiencing a lot of stress. I'm doing what I can to help reduce his stress in any way possible. I'm understanding and supportive. We spent a good deal of time talking yesterday and again last night, I'm feeling better about the whole thing that I was when I wrote that. It's likely that I placed more weight on the responsibility of 'Keyholder' than he did. I come from a D/s BDSM world with collaring ceremonies and the like, when someone gives you the keys it's a pretty big deal; giving the key back is an equally big deal.

    The poor guy has a lot of stuff going on that is completely dependent on other people to move forward and they're dicking him around a lot. It's hard to watch. If it were me I'd cut them loose and sever the working relationships, but Mr. Maus is not me. I'm confident and ballsy and in my world, The Boss, I don't put up with crazy-making shit, when those people enter my purview I just glare at them and they shrink away apologizing. That which I think is amusing because really I'm a clown.

    Our relationship is solid, that much has been established, however we are taking an indefinite break from the chastity for now. We both want it, but it's actively adding to the stress and that just won't do.